Manic and Deserted

Episode 8 Manic and Deserted 

To help my readers understand what actually happens while in a manic state, below is a highly condensed summary of the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) criteria for a manic episode:

The Core Definition

A manic episode requires a distinct period of abnormally elevated, irritable, or energized mood, combined with an unusual increase in activity or energy, lasting at least 1 week (or any duration if hospitalized), present most of the day, nearly every day.

The Symptom Checklist

At least 3 symptoms must be present (or 4 if the mood is only irritable):

 Grandiosity: Inflated self-esteem or unrealistic beliefs in one's power or status.

 Less Sleep: Feeling fully rested after just a few hours.

 Rapid Speech: Talking excessively or feeling constant pressure to keep speaking.

 Racing Thoughts: Thoughts moving faster than they can be expressed ("flight of ideas").

 High Distractibility: Attention shifts constantly to irrelevant external stimuli.

 Hyperactivity: A surge in goal-directed projects (work, social, sexual) or restless, purposeless pacing.

 Risky Behavior: Reckless spending, unsafe driving, or impulsive investments with high potential for negative consequences.

Key Conditions

 Severe Impact: Must cause major impairment in daily life/work, require hospitalization to ensure safety, or include psychotic features.

 Exclusion: Cannot be caused by a drug, medication, or separate medical condition.

I didn’t know what “heat” was until I stepped off the plane in Arizona in mid-August.  It felt like standing next to a jet engine. I remember thinking that this heat could kill me. I was, however, so excited to be there. I knew exactly how to ensure success in the job I had been assigned to.

I was sent to Arizona to work wholesale cannabis. I was to visit all the dispensaries and sell cannabis and cannabis infused products.  The man who was working this job before I had arrived was not a trained salesman. He was disorganized and didn’t understand the grinding work ethic you need to be successful in sales. 

During this man’s time running the wholesale division, the company was averaging $4,000 a month in gross sales.  In the first month I grew that to $170,000.  The only reason it wasn’t more was because we ran out of products to sell.  For me, this was shooting fish in a barrel. I was just applying standard sales practices, lots of organization and a solid grinding work ethic.  To the company, you would’ve thought I invented fire.

I was having the time of my life.  I wanted to work all the time. Little by little I was getting that “high” that comes with doing a good job, and it just kept going up, a little too up. Partly due to the manic and partly due to all the hell I went through in that Jersey apartment a year prior. This was a massive change.  I was making money hand over fist. The base salary was good, and the commission was great.  Those first months I had a plan; I was going to save money and keep my head down and just work. No dating.

Shortly after my arrival, a coworker and friend moved out to AZ to help the company with all its infused products. He was a chemist.  Now, I am not sure how this conversation started, but he convinced me to go out to Scottsdale, just for a night out.  I had no idea what Scottsdale was like.

Scottsdale Arizona is made for partying. It’s a bit wild. There are a lot of women. It’s a club scene. This for me was like taking a serious drug. We both knew this was not going to be a “one-time thing”.

So, there I was. Making lots of money, having fun at my job, had a buddy there with me, and now we found a place to “blow off steam”.  We went out every weekend.  I am not a big drinker, but we were going hard.  It is of note that I was taking benzodiazepines at the time. I have to say this; no one should drink while taking benzos. The effects are unpredictable.

I was with a different woman every weekend. However, I was also working hard.  I wanted to do everything myself at the company. This meant checking all inventory, handling all accounts, and personally driving the product for every order. I loved every minute of working and I was good at it.

I have read that during manic episodes some people see the world with colors that are noticeably more vivid.  I can remember a day like that when I was driving back from the office. I had just taken a benzo and was chugging energy drinks. I remember that the world had a beautiful mist that seemed to be highlighting the colors of… everything. I remember feeling so happy to be alive. So happy that I hadn’t killed myself in New Jersey.   I also remember getting home that day and needing a beer to calm down all that “happiness”.

During this time, about 7 months into my time in Arizona, my ego was out of control.  I was difficult to be in the office with because I wanted everything to be done my way.  I am self-aware, so when I felt that ego, I remember telling myself, “Watch the ego”.  I was able to keep it somewhat bottled up, but even with a solid effort, I remember rubbing good people the wrong way. At that time, it just felt like I was protecting the company.  We were so new then, and I was building our story in Arizona with every sale. It was a lot of public relations then.

By month 9, not only was I going out every weekend, but I also started using dating apps. Something I really didn’t need to be doing, but at this point it was everything in excess. I went out every other night.  Still, somehow, I was saving a lot of money. I felt safe.  This feeling of “safety” fueled the high I was on.  I wasn’t taking illegal drugs, I wasn’t drinking a lot, but I was drinking a little every other night, and I was dating every chance I got. 

By mid-May I was feeling out of control. My eating hadn’t been right since college but because I was working obsessively and I was on such a “high”, I was only eating one meal a day. What kept me going was caffeine and benzos.  I knew I wasn’t living right.  Something had to change.  

By the end of May I had met a woman online in Florida. I remember feeling lost. Most people, if they could hear my inner dialogue, would label me clinically insane. My thinking was incredibly disorganized.  This woman, the one I met online, was a beauty. She was all the superficial things my manic brain was in love with. She was dark, curvy, and very sexy. We talked on the phone for a few weeks. She was very charming in a way that seemed “worked on”, which at the time, I thought was unusual for a woman that pretty.  The catch was that she was looking for a husband. At the very beginning of our talks, I was hesitant on continuing to talk to her.  She was honest about wanting to get married and I thought “I am doing so well financially, why get into a relationship that could jeopardize everything I am working toward?”.  It took about two weeks and some visits from her to change my mind.  I remember thinking about how out of control I had been prior to investing my time into this new woman.  I remember that I stopped drinking, and I was working out and eating again. I wasn’t out at the bars because I was on the phone with her. I was home most of the time on the phone, carrying on this long-distance relationship.  I thought “I am better now. This is more responsible. It’s safer”.

By July, after one month of talking and just a little dating, she asked me to marry her.  To me, at that time, it made sense. I was making money. I was safe. I could do this. I thought “Maybe this was better than what I was doing. Still, she was in Florida. My job was in Arizona. However, the company was going to focus on Florida soon. Maybe it’s better for me to be in Florida. Sure, the company won’t be happy with me vacating my post, but since I am of such value, surely, they will have something for me in Florida. Besides let’s face it, I can’t do any better than her.”  It took her asking me twice, but I agreed to elope. Two weeks later we married on a cliff in Sedona. We had only been talking for a little over 2 months.

This story, this fast marriage story, this is something you will hear from many bipolar men and woman. It is something that happens to us.  When we are manic, dopamine and oxytocin are simply too powerful. We fall in love quickly and many of us go “all in”.  She is not a bad woman. She is a woman who wanted children and wanted them quickly. She talked herself into being in love just as I did.  However, if I had been healthy, this would not have happened. I love the children we have together. They are perfect in every way.  They are so beautiful that when they walk into the room, I stop what I am doing to hug them. However, this marriage marked the end of my happiness. It also marked the beginning of my path to despair.