Schizoaffective Sparring

-Episode 11 Schizoaffective Sparring.

First, a note to my readers.  This entry will not have the definition of schizoaffective disorder.  That will come in a later entry. I chose to wait because this first “episode” is what I would call “Schizoaffective Lite”.  But I think it will be sufficient in describing what a schizoaffective episode is like.

On a hot Monday in the last week of May, I had received a term sheet for a transaction that by most people’s standards would be a “career maker”.  I was overjoyed. Getting to this point had been a rough journey and I felt as though we accomplished something great. I couldn’t wait to tell my dad and the new President of the company about how this all went. I would also need their “buy in” on this project as the term sheet had a few things our company would be responsible for.

I remember calling my dad about this. He seemed very proud. He wanted me to speak to the President of the company about this in person.  My father would be there as well. When I hung up the phone, I was so happy. I thought this was a great thing for the company and very good publicity for the company’s stock.

I had been issued stock at the beginning of my employment with my company.  The company had been acquired by an even bigger cannabis company, and they had decided to go public.  When our company first went public, our stock was trading very high.  The employees couldn’t sell our stock for a certain window of time. The employees had to wait a few weeks before exercising their right to sell.  So, at this time, I had millions of dollars in stock at our opening number. I had secured a term sheet with a major television star and her team, and most importantly this deal was with one of the largest food and beverage companies in the United States. I was feeling way up.  I called my partner in Arizona and expressed how elated I was that this strategy had come together.

On Friday night of that week something odd started to happen. I was laying down watching tv with my kid and suddenly I felt like I was “tripping” on mushrooms. I wasn’t hallucinating, but it was the same feeling. Everything seemed overly interesting and just watching cartoons seemed to be an experience. I hadn’t taken anything, but I felt “high”.  This was a nice feeling.  I thought “I must be having a mushroom flashback”. I was not worried. I was still in control of myself, and I thought I would just sleep it off. Which is exactly what I did. The next morning, I felt fine.  I went to the park and played with my daughter. We came home and prepared dinner and I felt good.  But that night while watching cartoons with my daughter, it happened again. It felt like my brain was heating up this time. Then I felt that “psychedelic feeling”. This time however, it was a lot more powerful. I was out of control. I felt like something was controlling me.  Everything seemed terrifying.  Even the cartoons.  I was running around the house for no reason. It felt like everything and everyone was  “out to get me”. My wife, who was trying to talk me down, finally called the doctor because I was threatening to jump off the roof. The doctor got on the phone and told me to take two of my benzodiazepines and to just lay in bed and try and sleep.  I did and I fell asleep.

The next morning, I felt amazing.  I told my wife that I felt “just fine”. I apologized for putting her through hell the night before.  She said we should go to the beach and meet up with some friends. I felt good enough to do that.

The friends that we met were my wife’s friends.  I started feeling anxious as soon as we arrived.  This was a very weird meeting with this couple. I always liked the two of them, they were becoming my friends as well. But on this day the husband kept pulling me aside to talk about my work.  He said that I should think about leaving my company. He said my wife was never going to move closer and that I should look for work in Miami. He was very persistent. I told him that I had worked very hard at this company and that I felt a lot of personal connection to it.  This conversation was very uncomfortable. I remember leaving the beach thinking “I don’t wish to see them for a long time”. That Sunday evening my wife and I went out to dinner. I wasn’t feeling great. I couldn’t eat. I wanted to go home and rest.  I was on edge, but I didn’t feel that psychedelic feeling. I never asked my wife why her friends were so adamant about my changing jobs.

Monday began like any other workday. I checked my email and responded to a few messages, then I grabbed my coffee and proceeded to call my father. I wanted to know if he had talked to the President of the company and if they had picked a day for me to come and present this term sheet.  It was on this phone call that something strange started to happen.

I had spent much of my 30s training law enforcement, military and civilians in Israeli Krav Maga. I became an instructor at 30 and we had a nice little school in Manhattan.  I had worked with some FBI guys and some other people who had worked with the FBI.  We would come to know some of their procedures. One of them was how to tell if your phone was tapped.  The answer is you hear a “clicking” sound on your phone if you’re tapped.  I started hearing a clicking sound on this phone call with my father. This sound would continue to happen on every phone call, both incoming and outgoing after that.  I made several calls that Monday and the clicking sound was on all of them. I asked everyone I spoke with on the phone that day if they could hear it as well, they all said no. I started feeling very uneasy.

Something else I started to notice was black SUV’s, specifically Suburban’s, were around my car every time I drove anywhere. They seemed to be near my car all the time. This, and the phone clicking was all it took for my brain to say, “the government is looking into you”. I started to panic. But for some reason I felt like couldn’t talk about what I was seeing or hearing with anyone, not even my wife.

I met with my father and the President of the company on a Thursday of the first week in June. I was doing my best to keep all the things that I thought were going on to myself. I wanted this deal to go through. I presented the term sheet, and I proceeded to tell them that this was not just a deal with a television star and her team, it was a deal with one of the largest food and beverage companies in the country.  They asked that I present this to the rest of the team at their weekly team leadership meeting that day. They also said that I will have to present this to the new CEO and his attorney, which would be a separate meeting.

Meeting with the team that day was an incredibly weird experience. I knew many of the people there and had even hired a few of them myself.  Not one person in that meeting could look me in the eye. They all looked down as I was presenting. They didn’t offer up anything and when I was done, I awkwardly left the room. It was one of the most unpleasant meetings I have ever attended.  This shocked me. I thought I had done a great thing, and at a time when our stock needed it.  To add insult to injury one of the marketing managers called me on my way home and said “that I should’ve been very uncomfortable at that meeting. That I had been doing a different thing and that the rest of them had gone through a lot since getting acquired.” I said that leadership had asked me to take on this CBD project and that I was just doing my job. Also on my way home, I noticed the black SUVs were everywhere again. I told myself that it was because I was looking for them. I called my father to talk about how awkward I thought the meeting was. My phone was clicking during the entire conversation.

That evening the President of our company called and said the founder and CEO would like to meet with me the following Wednesday. I said, “sounds great!” I wanted to say that I had been seeing and hearing things and if possible, they (my father and the President) should present this to the CEO themselves. But I felt obligated to do this myself and so I kept  all I was seeing, hearing and feeling to myself…. again.

Tuesday morning, the day prior to the meeting with the CEO, I made the long drive from Miami to Tampa. As I was leaving my wife said that I should just relax and not answer any calls while on the road. She was starting to notice that I wasn’t well. I was very “shaky”.

During the trip I kept getting phone calls from my partner in Arizona. I was trying to ignore them as my wife suggested, but there were about 10 calls, so I figured it was something important. When I answered, my partner in Arizona went on an unhinged rant. He told me that I had been acting arrogant since the term sheet came. He said he had never heard me act so arrogant before. He said quite a few other things that I can’t remember. He was screaming over the phone. I told him that tomorrow was a big day for us and that this was not the time. But he said, “he had to have this out now”.  I listened, apologized for any misbehavior and explained that I am driving, and I can’t continue to have this conversation. He said he was done. I thought “that was something I didn’t need hear”. Now it was all starting to boil up. I was extremely shaken and I was still seeing those damn SUVs.  Also, during that conversation, as usual, there were clicking sounds on my phone.

I was a total mess when I arrived at my hotel. It didn’t help that the hotel was disgusting. I had made a habit of staying in cheap places to save money for the company.  I didn’t get any sleep that night. Instead, my brain started to spin out of control.  I started thinking about the FBI. I started to think that technically we were in a federally illegal business and if the Feds were motivated, they could open a case on anyone working in the cannabis business. At that time that included medical cannabis. (It has become harder for the FBI to do this since the rescheduling of cannabis this past year, though not impossible).  I also started to question why such a big television star would be interested in our little CBD company. But mostly, I questioned why a large food, and beverage company would pick us out of the hundreds of CBD companies to work with. Things didn’t add up. Then this terrible thought started to sink-in. I thought “This has a lot more to do with our core business (which is cannabis) then the tv star and her team were admitting to.” My biggest worry was that this deal had somehow gotten the attention of the feds and that I was in serious trouble.

By 6am that Wednesday morning my mind was spinning out of control. The meeting was at 9am.

The meeting went horribly. I was shaking the entire time. I explained to our CEO and his attorney how our little CBD company came to be. I explained that this venture had very limited resources and that I believed that this co-branding opportunity was the only path that could lead us into big-box store shelves. I told them big-box store distribution was what the expectation was when this started.  I reiterated that this term sheet was really about the food and beverage company, not just about the television star. I then went on a 5-minute rant about what I believed this meant for the future of cannabis. I told them that I believed the food and beverage industry was “making their play”. They could tell I was shaking. I told them that I never meant for this to get this big. That all I was looking to do was have some great marketing done by some of the best in the business, which is what we would’ve had with the endorsement of the television star. However, after my incoherent rant about where I thought the industry was going, they started to tune out.  It ended with the CEO saying, “Go get the deal if you can”. They made it clear; I wasn’t going to get any help with this.

That drive home was one of the longest drives of my life. I knew how bad it went. I also knew that it went the way it went because of everything that I had been going through. Nevertheless, I was sure I lost my job.

Two days later I received a call from that same marketing manager that had been a prick after the team meeting. He said that I should consider going back to work with physicians. The same job I was working prior to the CBD venture. He also said the company had a team of people working with the doctors now, and he wanted me to lead them.  I told him that I thought I was done with the company. He said that the company is new now and that I would enjoy it a lot more than I used to. I said I would think about it. This would be the only conversation that I didn’t notice my phone clicking.

It was a week later that I received an email from our CEOs lawyer asking me to set up a video call with the television’s stars team. I emailed their team and they responded quickly. They said they were excited to meet our team and that we should have the call the following day. I scheduled it with our team.

The meeting was in the early afternoon. I logged on and saw our lawyer on the screen. We greeted each other and waited for the COO of the TV stars company to join. The COO’s name was Jon. Jon joined us in short order; however, this didn’t seem like the man I had talked to. The Jon I knew had a soft voice, this man had a very low rough voice. The Jon I had seen photos of had a slender build. This man was a tank. He was extremely muscular.  The only similarities to the pictures I had seen of Jon and the man I was talking to now were the curly grey hair and glasses. I did not believe this was the same man I had been going back and forth with for 5 months.

Our lawyer said “Patrick, I would like you to say everything that you said at our meeting to Jon. Everything about where you think the industry is going.”  I refused to talk. I believed that this man was from the FBI.  I didn’t talk because I didn’t know who was involved in any of this, should this be the FBI. The man, “Jon”, asked if I was alone. I said “No, I am not alone, my wife and her mother are lingering.”  This man shook his head, breathed a sigh and said, “Okay Pat”.  Our lawyer said, “I guess that’s it”. We all jumped off the call. To this day I don’t know who that man was. However, I was and am certain it wasn’t the COO I had been talking to for five months, it wasn’t Jon.

I went upstairs to my bed and slept for a bit after the call. When I woke up, I knew I had a decision to make. There was a job on the table with our company. Once again, I would be doing PR work with physicians to push our brand.  I didn’t want to do this. Every bit of me said “get out of this company”. But I had mouths to feed. I had a little girl, and I just wanted to make sure she had what she needed.  The next day I called and asked to meet with the President of the company to discuss the position. He was so gracious. He said I could come in whenever I wanted. I gave him a date; it was just a few days away.

I called my father and asked if I could stay at his house since I would be in his area for the meeting with the President of our company. My father agreed. So, I once again drove three and a half hours to Tampa to meet with my boss and ask for my old job back.

The meeting went fine. I told him that I believed I still had something to offer the company. He agreed. He also said that he didn’t think our CBD venture would survive and that I would have to fire my partner in Arizona. I was upset about this. My partner is a good man. However, this wasn’t my call, so I agreed I would. The President and I shook hands, and I left to go and see my new office.

Walking into our headquarters was not a great feeling. This was a new headquarters and clearly a new company. I wasn’t greeted well. That same marketing manager pulled me into his office as soon I got there and began to explain the requirements of my job. This was kind of a sucker punch to me. I had invented this role and hired that marketing manager. But the old company had been acquired, and there was a new hierarchy that I needed to get used to. It was clear that I would be taking directions from this marketing manager. He introduced me around the office to the people I didn’t know.  Then, in one of the most disgusting comments I had ever heard in an office setting, he said to a small group of people that “Patrick has been with us since the beginning; he started with bribing politicians on our behalf”.  He laughed. I did not. Then he brought me into his office and asked if me to do something so ridiculous that I started laughing.

This marketing manager proceeded to ask that I pull all of the CBD products off the shelves of any customer we sell to in the state of Florida. He also asked me to write a letter that would be posted on the CBD website stating that our company had been acquired and that we were no longer offering these products. When I asked why I need to pull product off the shelves he said; “We are a publicly traded company now and we can’t have that product out there” I said that I would write the letter, although I was surprised he didn’t want marketing to do it.  However, I wasn’t pulling any products off shelves. I offered to meet with anyone we sold products to in Florida and explain to them that we wouldn’t be selling the products any longer due to the acquisition. This marketing director reluctantly agreed.

I left the office a little early that day to meet with my dad.  My father asked if we could meet at a small restaurant before going home. (Once again, the phone was clicking and once again, I was seeing the SUVs.) I agreed.

My father was waiting for me at a booth in the restaurant. I sat down and ordered a beer. My father proceeded to have a very honest conversation about the company and my role in it. He explained that this was a new company and may not be the best fit for me. He told me that when I first arrived there was a lot of use for me, but this was different now. We had a President that didn’t keep “dead weight”. He said that the physician liaison was something that probably wouldn’t last much longer. I listened and offered up nothing. I was so exhausted at this time. All I was thinking was “My deal had fallen through. My venture had failed. I hadn’t been eating. I was seeing things and hearing things that may or may not be there (I wasn’t sure which was worse), and now I was answering to a man that I had hired and who’s job I’d had to save. Twice.” I was simply done. I didn’t eat at the restaurant. I asked that we go home.

My father’s home was right around the corner. He always had beautiful homes. They were always wonderful to walk into.  On this night however, it wasn’t.  I can’t tell you how it started but my father and I began to argue.  It was clear that he thought I should move on from the company. The problem was, at that time, I had nowhere else to go. However, he was right, it was time. I had outstayed my welcome. During this argument I was shaking profusely. Everything had caught up to me. I couldn’t handle an argument now. But we kept on going. My father wanted me to see the light; I had to leave. I wanted to leave, but I needed time to find something else first. However, I couldn’t tell him that. I was so exhausted and incoherent that I just kept saying things that weren’t making sense. I needed to sleep. I left the argument and went to my room.

As I undressed and climbed into bed I could feel my adrenaline from the fight.  I took a benzodiazepine and a sleeping pill. I hoped this would be enough to calm my racing mind. An hour later I wasn’t feeling any effect from the medication. My heart was racing and my adrenaline felt like it was pumping through my entire body. I didn’t want to take any more medication as I had already taken an extra benzodiazepine to calm my nerves. I also didn’t want to take any more sleeping pills because I had to be up and at the office early the next day. So, I just laid there.  The next thing that happened is something I still can’t explain completely. I started to hear heavy metal music blaring in my ear.  I picked my head off the pillow to hear where it was coming from and as soon as I did, the music stopped. However, as soon as I put my head back down, it would start up again.  I started to feel my adrenaline pump even harder.  I kept picking my head up, and every time I did the music would stop, but every time I put it back down it would blast into my ear drums again.  It went on all night. 

By 6 am I’d had enough. I took my shower and dressed for work. I was now convinced that the government was involved and perhaps they had put something into my ears. I thought “Someone wants me out of this company badly!”

I wanted to leave before my father was up to avoid any further confrontation, but he was up.  He asked me how I slept. He had never asked me that before. I thought “My dad is in on this”. As soon as he asked, my temper flared. Thank goodness I had enough sense not to hurt anyone. All I said was that I slept just fine and then I left for work. I kept everything that happened the previous night to myself.

The reason for my anger is because I knew something about music torcher. Which is what I thought I had just experienced. I knew it had been banned from every military prison and holding facility on earth. This includes Guantanamo. I also knew it was incredibly affective in breaking suspected unlawful combatants.  In my mind, I had just been tortured. But I had a mouth to feed, I had to go to work. I had to keep my mouth shut.  Afterall, no one would believe me anyway.

I worked for two hours in the office with the marketing team that morning. I wanted to understand what my “physician liaisons” were bringing to their doctors for informational/marketing material. After that, I had to drive two and half hours to Orlando to meet with one of the reps and attend a meeting with two of her doctors. I was so tired. I also couldn’t eat anything. My stomach was in knots. It was a long, horrible day.

I drove back to Tampa from Orlando that night and stayed with a friend. All through that drive, as with all other drives, were the black SUVs, and all my phone calls still had that clicking. I was coming apart, but at least that night I slept with no sound in my ear and no adrenaline pumping through my body.

For the next two months the feelings of being watched by the government would intensify. Strange things would continue to happen. I remember a day when all the same songs I was listening to in my car, which were obscure 90s songs, were playing in the exact same order at a restaurant where I was having lunch. Everything felt connected, and all of it seemed to be “against me.”  I was also driving from Ft. Lauderdale to Tampa every other day. Then, I would drive from Tampa to meet with one of our physician liaisons. I drove a minimum of 6 hours a day.

At this time, I was truly of no use to the company. I had nothing to offer my reps (physician liaisons). I was just listening to my team and offering very little. I became paranoid that they were a part of this government conspiracy that was aimed at me.

In the first week of September, my mind broke completely.  I drove to my mother’s house early in the day and I asked for the gun she and her husband kept.  I told her all that I had been going through. I wanted it all to end. I figured I didn’t have much to live for. I thought the government wanted me in prison, and that no one had my back on anything. I told my mother I was so tired. I told her I hadn’t eaten or slept in months. I begged her to help me find peace.  I wanted that gun more than I had wanted anything in my whole life. My mother, who had heard enough, and had seen me pop extra benzodiazepines, called a mental health facility. She calmed me down and said, “This is how we will help you find peace”. I trusted her and agreed to go get help.

On the way to the facility, I noticed there were no black SUVs.