Early Years

Bipolar soulmate.

The Early years.

It wasn’t until I got medication that I became aware of what this disease was doing.  (Many entries from now, I will share the schizoaffective symptoms; like voices and tactile hallucinations.) What I am talking about now is how my body’s natural and imbalanced chemicals were affecting me even as a kid.  If there is one entry I want parents to read, it’s this one.

I struggled in school from the time I was 7.  This made no sense to anyone. I was extremely eloquent for that age, and I was always present and accounted for in class. I was not a kid that disrupted anyone, and at best I was only slightly mischievous. But I did not study, I did not focus on the lessons the way other kids did or could. I faked it well. But my homework was never done. Instead, when I went home, I was exhausted and only wanted to play.  I watched a lot of tv and chatted on the phone.  I would look at my homework and try my best to do it, but my body would not sit at the table for more than 10 minutes.

One interesting note: at the beginning of each year, during soccer season, I was better about this.  My body would relax and do the homework.  This did not last long. Once soccer was over and winter kicked in, I didn’t bother with anything,

Many people at this time were just starting to talk about ADD and ADHD.  I suppose, had this started for me in the 90s, I would have been on something like Adderall. (Now that I know what I have, this would’ve been worst thing for me.)

The reason I couldn’t focus was because my body was exhausted from small manic episodes during the school day. My body seemed to need quick dopamine hits when I got home. I got them from tv and friends. I couldn’t discipline myself enough to look at my homework and just muscle through it.  The only schoolwork I could continue to do was my creative writing. My grandparents tried to watch over me while doing my homework, but that was to no avail.

The way I passed elementary school, middle school, and high school was the work of very dedicated teachers and tutors who were hell bent on getting me through. Middle school and high school were especially difficult because girls were all I wanted to be around. It was the very best way to get dopamine and oxytocin. I owe those poor teachers who gave me their all an enormous debt of gratitude.

I have 2 daughters that are both showing signs of bipolar .  My oldest is having trouble in school. She is in love with any school drama or any drama she can read about, and she pressure-talks (a sign of a manic state.) She feels as though she has to keep talking until the point she is making is beaten into the ground. This is something you actually feel when you are manic.  My second is highly sensitive, very smart but can’t concentrate. My ex-wife and I have talked about ADHD.  I am having them both talk to a good therapist before any medication goes in their mouth.  I will have them with that therapist for 3 to 4 months.  If there’s bipolar there, I want it treated immediately.  What I have learned from this is that this disease will rear its ugly head even if you live a perfectly healthy life.