College

Bipolar Soulmate

Episode 4. College

Coming back from summer break and back into the city was tough this time. I was heading into my 3rd semester of conservatory at AMDA. This is a tough semester. Conservatory begins to break you down; the teachers work on your ego to see how much talent you have, and how hard you’re willing to push. For someone who goes into a manic state this can be a bit of a problem.

My mom and I prepared a bit for this. We bought a bunch of things I could use to cook in my room because of the weight loss the previous year. We did not, however, seek any medication.

There is a movie that’s been out for some years now called Whiplash. It’s about a jazz drummer and his teacher who torments him. We had a teacher exactly like that. We all knew him and knew how he broke his special students down. I was to be his favorite target of the class. It was expected.

The year went the same as my first two semesters, only more intense. I had a girlfriend who stayed with me in the dorm, she was an actress as well. We didn’t do much, I studied most of the time and my body was rapidly becoming weak. However, due to the raised intensity of school, my manic energy was through the roof. I went to “war” on studying. I managed to do an amazing job for the “whiplash” teacher. At the end of the semester the school was happy with me, and my body was ready to quit. As 4th semester rolled around, I no longer cared about being good at anything anymore.

That semester is a blur in my memory. We had showcases where friends and family could come and watch. I was so skinny by then. I didn’t want anyone to see me. I muscled through and did a fine job. To this day, my family has never seen my work as an actor at its full strength simply because I could never eat.

A month later I graduated. So that’s nice. I went from being 168 pounds to 135. I have some anger about this. My parents could see me then. I looked different. Not to mention I was about to head out into a world where looks were very important. No one said anything or did anything. I say this because it’s the point of writing this. The point of this site is that these things are missed by other people’s parents, their friends or primary care physicians. I was losing weight and had no interest in eating, not because I had “nervous energy” but because I was very sick.